Dear Isaac,
I do not know how to start this letter. I am staring at my moving stomach and about to cry again. You always make me cry, but in a good way.
Long time ago, long before I even met your Tatay, I thought to myself that I don't want to have kids. I tend to gain so much weight, so I thought being pregnant is such a bad idea. If you look at me now, anak, I am 72 kilograms. That's waaaay heavier than my 55 kilogram self when your Tatay met me.
A few months before I met your Tatay, I was 25 and been single for a while, I told my mother, your Lola Fe, that maybe I should just adopt. I was starting to worry about myself. I was starting to think that maybe I will never get married because being young, pretty, and single for three years was not a good sign. Your Lola of course told me that it was a crazy idea. Sayang daw ang magandang genes. Aba't anong klase, ano?
And then I met your father before I turned 26. It was a wonderful story, anak. I met him on Twitter. Who would've thought that someone would actually take people seriously on Twitter? It was a whirlwind romance, and before we knew it, we were getting married. I felt that your Tatay, along with our family and so many friends, wanted us to have kids right away. It was annoying whenever they ask us when are we having kids. But then the desire to have a kid was not because of anything or anyone else -- I finally wanted to have a baby because I know this will make your Tatay's happiness full.
It wasn't easy. I was diagnosed with PCOS. It's kind of hard to explain this to you, but we had difficulties getting pregnant. I had to go through a lot of medications. If they were only interested in my genes, they could've cloned me for the amount of blood they've taken from me for tests and sampling. It was painful, anak. What's more painful were the people who kept asking why we aren't pregnant yet, as if we don't want to get pregnant. I don't care if they come from a time where women just get pregnant after the first night, or if they live in a place where people are very 'productive'. I used to laugh it off, and then I started getting angry, and then there's depression. Although things were rough, your Tatay and I never stopped praying for you. So finally, God sent us the stork.
It was January 20, 2014. Your father and I had a big fight the night before. You know, that I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you-anymore kind of fight. I don't know what it was, but I knew I wanted to just get out of the house and leave him for a while. But then I don't have anywhere to go, so I just slept. The next morning, he left for work and I left to renew my passport. I went to the clinic and had my blood tested for pregnancy. I've had way too many negative results so if that one turned out negative, I wouldn't feel as bad. But that day was different. The results said POSITIVE.
Anak, up until today, I can't decide which is the happiest day of my life -- marrying your father or knowing that I was finally carrying you inside me. You guys both made me wait for sooooo long! Mag-tatay nga kayo. But it's all worth it. It's all worth it, anak. I was still angry with your Tatay when I got the news, but he was the first person who knew about you. I called your Lola Fe right away. And then I started crying.
Wow, I didn't know a tiny cell can make me cry! I hugged that white envelope that carries the result. When your father came in the evening, he didn't kiss me. He hugged me tight and kissed my stomach. Finally, his happiness is complete.
Pregnancy wasn't anything near what I imagined it to be. Although I didn't have acne breakouts or morning sickness, this would be on top of the craziest things I've experienced in my entire life. My greatest struggle would be going to the toilet and doing a number two. Paiyakan talaga, anak. I couldn't eat a lot during the first and second trimester, and when I was finally able to eat normally during the third, I couldn't anymore. My stomach was just a very tiny bag right above your sac and you keep kicking it. You wouldn't know how weird it feels to have something moving inside your stomach, as if another involuntary muscle grew in there.
Your father told me I'm way nicer now that I'm pregnant, compared to before. I bet he's going to miss the pregnant and nice me when you come out. Haha!
You're turning 31 weeks on Tuesday. My stomach is getting bigger and heavier by the day. I couldn't even get out of bed immediately to pee. You almost don't stop moving and you kick really hard. Two weeks ago, you weren't moving as much as you used to so I got really scared. I can't lose you now. I can't lose you, ever. We went to the hospital to get you checked. And you, my padawan, you really learned your trolling skills from the best. Your heartbeat sounded like running horses, and the doctor said maybe you were just lazy the past two days and didn't want to move. My OB said that maybe, you grew bigger and you don't have enough space to move inside.
I know one day that we will fight a lot. I guarantee you that. Magiging matigas din ang ulo mo, for sure. But please never forget that I will always love you, Isaac. I hope that one day, when you think that your parents are the biggest villains in your life, go back to this letter to remind you how thankful we are that you came into our lives. I can't promise you that we'll have a perfect life, because no one does, anak. No one.
I can't promise you that I will give you everything, but I promise that I will always love you, I will always thank the Lord for giving you to us, and I will always make sure to keep you safe and alive. We will always be together.
We can't wait for you to home in our arms, Isaac. Just a few more weeks and we can finally hold you. Hold on, we're almost there.
Love,
Nanay
4 comments
Awwww, such a lovingly-written letter. I'm sure pag nabasa yan ng baby mo in the future, he'll feel so loved and grateful to you. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope so, Edelweiza. For sure kasi mag-aaway kami lagi haha!
DeleteI was looking for a new blog to read when I stumbled upon yours. This was the first post I read, I got to read some of your old entries too, and I knew right away that I found a new blog to follow. I may not know you personally, but I felt the urge to thank you. Reading this post (and those related to this one) someone gave me hope that I, too, will be given the chance to experience the kind of happiness that you’re feeling right now. I know how you felt because I’m still on the same boat, the one you were also in before you had Isaac. PCOS is more than just a condition where hormones and ovaries suck. It is something that eats up the mind and heart even of the strongest women. But it’s also something that can transform the weak and the doubting into an entirely different person. Congratulations to you, not just for having Isaac, but for being able to beat PCOS (and the sadness that goes with it) and acknowledging that everything is possible with God’s grace. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry sa nobela hihi. I promise to be back and read more of your posts. =)
P.S. I promised God that if our firstborn is a boy, I’d name him Isaac too! ;-)
http://www.jerelltabenoja.com/
Hi Jerell!
DeleteFirst of all, thank you for visiting my blog. It's nice to know that some people stop by and read my brain farts. Hehe. Second, please know that you are in my prayers. Like what you said, sobrang crazy ng hormones and everything pag may PCOS. It was really a surprise when we got pregnant early this year. Talagang faith lang lahat. Praying for Isaac changed my life. It also made my relationship with Jeff a lot stronger. Knowing that your partner is there for you and that he doesn't think you are crazy (although we really are haha!) is something that binds you together.
Let's continue praying for your own Isaac! :)