"Wala pa ba?"

"Hindi ka pa ba buntis?"

"Kelan kayo magbe-baby?"

These are few of the questions that I still get until now, until after I wrote about my condition. I have read somewhere that September is the National PCOS Awareness Month. Wow, I didn't know we actually have a month for us! I feel like it's the perfect time to write about this.

PCOS or Polycystic Ovary Syndorme is one of the most common female endocrine problem. In layman's term, it is hormonal imbalance. It affects a woman's body -- she gains weight, have acne breakouts, more hair in the body, and no ovulation. There are also more male hormones in the body than female hormones. It is said that 1 out of 15 women has it. I'm quite confused because I think 1/3 of all my female friends have PCOS. Has the number gone up since I don't know when? Has stress taken it's toll to our kind?

I'm not sure if you are interested to know what our ovary looks like, but for your reference, here's a photo from http://womenshealth.gov

I came across this awesome article on www.sheknows.com and I'd like to share it here as well.

PCOS: 11 Things That May Surprise You

Screencaps from SHE KNOWS.

As I have mentioned from my previous post, I have wrestled with this devil inside my head and my ovary for a long time. My first visit to the obgyne was in May 2012, the next was in December 2012. That was a solid seven months of moping, gaining more weight, and depression. I cried everytime somebody gets pregnant and flaunts it in Facebook. I want to apologize to everyone who got pregnant in my most depressive year. I cried because of you. I kept blaming myself because I can't get pregnant like you. I even hid one person on my timeline because she kept posting baby pictures after she gave birth. It was a torture. I cried myself at night everytime someone would ask my why I'm not pregnant yet as if I don't want to be pregnant. If slapping someone's face is legal, maybe I don't have friends anymore. I felt an endless pit inside me when I learned that my youngest sister was pregnant. She's 18 and I'm 28, and she's pregnant. People don't understand that your hormones are all messed up, and like what my new friend Sachie said, we tend to act like bipolar women. BIPOLAR BEARS! Rawr!

I blamed myself so many times. I'm not sure if Jeff will be happy with me saying this, but he also got himself checked. All is normal with him. It's me. I'm the problem. Sometimes, I watched my husband snore the night away, while I cry myself to sleep. Not a day passes that I pray to the Lord, asking Him what's His plan for us. He knows the desire of my heart, and I desire to have my own children -- my little Taglets.

One day in December 2012, I dragged myself to the hospital and finally gave in to what I was supposed to do in May when I learned I had PCOS -- seek help from a fertility doctor. She gave me medication. I was in Metformin and Yasmin for three months. I was off the meds by April. For two months, I had my periods. So I decided to go to the doctor to have myself checked again.

I went to Healthway in Greenbelt 5, my favorite clinic in the entire metro. The clinic is clean and there are not a lot of people go there. The only obgyne  in the clinic is Dr. Cheryl Barrameda. She talked to me and decided that I should do a transvaginal ultrasound. That was my third transv in a year. The first two were not exactly my favorite, not to mention the first one was, ugh, the scariest thing.  These are the results:

The dark part is my left ovary. Notice that there are small white dots (not the dotted line). Those are the cysts.

This is my right ovary. Do you see white dots in it? Nope, nada.

This was the result that was handed to me at the end of that consulatation.

Right Ovary: normal in size and echotexture

I almost jumped off the chair, the OB told me that she can declare my right ovary as NORMAL. That moment, all the months of depression and the prayers I've uttered and the tears and the rollercoaster emotion, all worth it. I am now only a half PCOS. HALF!

I may seem brave but I've cried buckets because of this. There sure is hope. I may not be telling the world that I am pregnant, but hey, I'm getting there. If all else fails, we still have the option to adopt. There are so many kids out there without parents. I won't mind giving some love.

I'd like to hug each woman who is also having trouble in getting pregnant. I know how it feels, I know exactly what you are going through. I am not saying that I am healed, but my soul is. The first step to healing is acceptance and I've accepted that it's going to be a hard road that we'll be taking. But for as long as I have Jeff, nothing can put me down. You don't need all those side comments from other people, all you need is the love and support of your husband. No matter what happens, he's gonna be there holding your hand and tickle you at times when you are down.

If you girls need someone to talk to, you know I'm just an SMS away. I can't really make the PCOS go away, but we all need someone who would listen to us. Don't be depressed. You'll just gain more weight and that's not really helpful, yeah?